(J's feeling a bit knackered of late, due in large part to a screeching addiction to PEZ that's finally reared up and bitten him on the ass. As he's been in rehab for about a week, now, he's been unable to contribute much more to his print schedule than sarcastic remarks about President Bush firing a loaded gun by General Boykin's head. He also wants to know who licked the pot roast.

(So, we have a special treat for our regular rANT Farm readers: Conspiracy theorist extraordinare Tim Foil - author of Saturday Night Holocaust: How Hitler Invented Disco - has taken some time off from his Congressional campaign to submit a guest column. He promises not to run afoul of any election laws in the process, though the guilty will still be made to suffer. Take it away, Tim!)

My fellow Americans:

I probably don't need to tell you of my disgust at the notion of someone like CBS taking the life story of our greatest living President - maybe the best President of the 20th Century - and letting it be written by a Communist.

Many Americans are not aware of the real Ronald Reagan, or what he truly did for our country. But I am one of the few who is all too aware of that this great man did - and suffered - on our behalf. It is my belief that this is a story that should be told to any and all.

Therefore, I am writing my own TV script. I have submitted a sample of it, here, for your approval. I hope you will join me in support of what may be our only chance to make certain this great American is given the proper due he is deserved while he is still alive.

Yours in the Truth

Tim Foil, esq.

(Episode 1: Scene 24: Just after the 1980 Election. Ronald Reagan and soon-to-be-former President Jimmy Carter are walking together inside the White House. They're both smiling and waving, acting like old friends.)

(The sound of cameras going off and reporters asking questions quickly fades as they turn a corner. As soon as they do, Ronald's smile goes from friendly to triumphant. Jimmy's smile stays the same.)

REAGAN: Well, here we are. Soon to be liberal-free, for a change.

CARTER: Yes indeed. Are you happy?

REAGAN: Happy? I'm ecstatic. We're finally going to have a REAL President in this house.

CARTER: That's not a nice thing to say.

REAGAN: Well, sometimes the truth just hurts, doesn't it? You had your chance, you blew it, and now I'm here to clean up the mess. Big changes are right around the corner for America, now.

(The pair stop before the doors to the Oval Office.)

CARTER: So you think everything that's happened since I became President is MY fault?

REAGAN: Oh, there you go again. It's always someone else's fault, isn't it? That's the trouble with you liberals. No integrity.

CARTER: No choice.

REAGAN: So you're going to blame the people who put you in here, now? You can't fool me, Carter. I used to be an actor. I know when a line's rehearsed.

CARTER: You still ARE an actor, Ronnie.

REAGAN: I know you like to think that. That's a part of how I beat you.

CARTER: No... you beat me because you were supposed to.

REAGAN: (puzzled) What are you talking about...?

(CARTER opens the door to the Oval Office and gestures inside)

CARTER: I'm sorry you had to find out, Ronnie...

(The two men walk inside the Oval Office. Camera zooms in on Ronald's face as he registers shock and disbelief)

(CUT TO: the other side of the Oval Office, in which every single chair - including the President's - is filled by a "Gray" Alien, all wearing 60's Nehru-style clothes in dull, functional colors, and smoking cigarettes.)

ALIEN 1: Welcome to the White House, Mister President.

(CUT TO: Reagan and Carter, as Carter is putting a hand on Reagan's shoulder.)

REAGAN: What in God's name...?

(CUT TO: sideways view of the room, so everyone is in the frame)

ALIEN 1: Our long-range scanning of your brain detected a ready ability to be led by the nose.

ALIEN 2: Your work in California only confirmed our belief that you were ready to be one of ours.

ALIEN 3: And so we made certain enough that of the American electorate shared our views.

ALL ALIENS: (In unison) And here you are, Mister President.

(CUT TO: Reagan's face)

REAGAN: This can't be real...

(CUT TO: Alien 1's face)

ALIEN 1: Reality is what you can get away with, Mister President.

ALIEN 2 (offscreen): We've been controlling your world since the late 40's.

(CUT TO: Reagan and Carter)

REAGAN: What... you mean, after we discovered how to use nuclear energy for weapons?

(CUT TO: The Aliens' side of the room)

ALIEN 3: No. After the New Deal.

ALIEN 1: You're all only a few steps away from total acceptance of the beauty of Communism. That makes this world ideal for our purposes.

ALIEN 2: (Holding up cigarette) Besides, your tobacco is an amazingly soothing substance...

(All Aliens as take a long, hard hit off their cigarettes in unison)

(CUT TO: Reagan, as he sighs, adjusts his suit and looks around)

REAGAN: Okay... joke's over, George. It was really funny for a moment, there-

(CUT TO: Alien 5, as he presses a button on his wrist, and transforms into... George Herbert Walker Bush!)

(CUT TO: Reagan's face)

REAGAN George...?

(CUT TO: Alien 5/GHWB, as he smiles)

Alien 5/GHWB: You can call me Citizen GHT585658-HUTDJ87754-A3267-Xb when we're in private, now, Ronnie.

(CUT TO: sideways view of the room, so everyone is in the frame. Ronnie makes an awkward noise, and then looks somewhat flustered.)

REAGAN: Uhm... I need to use the restroom.

(All the Aliens laugh in unison)

REAGAN: Uhm... bathroom? Is there a...

(CUT TO: The Aliens)

ALIEN 3: So let me tell you how things are going to go, Mister President.

ALIEN 5/GHWB: You and I are going to spend the next four years f@#$ing this country into the ground like a two dollar whore.

ALIEN 1: Dragging the people towards nuclear conflict with the Soviets.

ALIEN 2: Destroying their sense of hope and removing key, illusory freedoms from their grasp.

ALIEN 4: And when you're done turning this country into a militarized, capitalist hellhole, we will find a suitable replacement.

ALIEN 1: One who will lead people on the long march from the darkness up to the light.

ALIEN 5/GHWB: The current Governor of Arkansas, in case you're curious.

(CUT TO: Reagan and Carter, as Jimmy smirks and Reagan realizes he just crapped himself in the Oval Office.)

REAGAN: Bathroom?

ALIEN 2 (offscreen): You may go, now, Jimmy. You will be rewarded for your sacrifice in the service of the Greater Cause.

CARTER: (patting Reagan on the shoulder as he turns to leave) Welcome to the White House, Mister President. You let me know how those big changes go.

(Just as he's about to leave, he turns and looks at the floor)

CARTER: Oh... and Ronnie? Looks like you've got one more mess to clean up.

(CUT TO: The Aliens, as they laugh in unison and start to get fresh cigarettes. The camera pans out, past Ronnie, who's still looking for the door to the bathroom. The Oval Office doorway slides past, and then is shut before us.)

(END of Episode 1)

::How does Ronald Reagan save the world? Tune in to the rANT Farm's site for further installments, and we hope you'll agree with us that this is the real Reagan story that MUST be told!::

"Your a dork. Good luck with that writing thing." - Actual fan mail to the rANT Farm.